Exposing the Perfection Fallacy: We Grow in Love and in Relationships through Our Mistakes

Exposing the Perfection Fallacy: We Grow in Love and in Relationships through Our Mistakes

By Barbara Rose, Ph.D.

The Perfection Fallacy

One thing is certain: When two people love, love truly, love deeply,
they will make mistakes.

They will walk and then stumble. They will walk in love and stumble from fear. But you can be certain that as long as you get up and decide to walk again, the one you love will always be there for you, after you stumble, after you decide to walk again.

You cannot ever lose a true love when you make mistakes, when you stumble, when you temporarily return to some old pattern you are seeking to replace with healthier new ones. So go ahead: walk, stumble, and look up. You will see the one who truly loves you is still there, waiting to walk beside you again, so you may one day run in laughter and pleasure together.

It is a complete fallacy to believe
that perfect love means perfection.

Here is the truth: Perfect love means growing from and learning from imperfection, recognizing your mistakes, and becoming your best. This is what relationships are all about:

Sharing your life with the one you love,
the one who loves you in spite of your mistakes,
the one who expects you to grow and learn,
stumble, and walk again, by their side.

We grow in love and in relationships through our mistakes. We do not grow in isolation or in theory.

We grow from hard experience: making mistakes, hurting, regretting, crying, realizing, making new choices, healing, and showing our new growth. We can do that only in relationships. They are sacred ground because of their astounding effects on our personal growth.

You will discover that the word "forgiveness" is the balm that soothes the scrapes after you stumble with every mistake you make.

"Forgive" means "to you, for you, I give my love, no matter how many times you may stumble."

That love is the gift for you, given for you when you risk taking personal responsibility to acknowledge your mistakes, your fears, and your failure to live up to your very best.

Mistakes are most commonly made when your fear of opening your true heart becomes stronger than your need to share your love. Or when you try so hard to get love from another and you behave in such a needy, clingy fashion that you drive the other away – because you have not yet learned how to genuinely give love to yourself.

So, what happens? You lose the one you love, you throw or push him away. But, because true love never dies, you realize your loss; and the pain and the regret you feel swells up inside of you casting out fear, replacing it with the truth of your love.

Now you want your love back, so you are ready to show your true feelings; you are willing to show the real, empowered you.

That is why so many love songs are written about wanting your real love back, about being reunited with your true love. Real love cannot ever die. It certainly cannot be killed by space, time, distance, or fear. It also cannot die when you stumble. So as your desire for your true love swells up inside, you want your love back. This is a dangerous game to play. Sometimes your love will reunite with you, forgive you, and be there for you, but there is a limit. There is a limit to how much one is willing to go back to the old ways. So if you don’t work hard to replace old patterns with new ones, you risk losing this real love forever.

There is only one way to avoid that loss: Grow. Learn from your past errors. Learn and grow beyond the restrictions of ego and beyond the doubts of self-worth. Give to your self, give for you! And as you do this, the other will forgive you. Give, and you shall receive.

If your love is pure, if your lessons have been acknowledged, if your efforts are moving in a healthy direction, you will be forgiven of your past mistakes.

Why would people waste the gift of their love on others who do not have enough self-regard to give growth to themselves?

Would you give people diamonds if every time they took them they flushed them down the toilet?

How many times would you keep reaching deep within to bring forth the diamonds of your heart and soul to give them to a person who flushes your gifts down the toilet?

So, my friend, if you have been stumbling, I do suggest you acknowledge this to yourself, first. And if you have found diamonds in one person on this Earth who you know truly loves you, then I do suggest you get up and do your best to walk again. Walk over to this person, and hold them. Give them a hug and say, "Thank you for being here for me." Say, "I am going to do my best, even if it is just a baby step at a time; I am going to do my best so I can have the best person for me in my life as my friend, as my lover. And that person is you." Do and say that if you have been withholding love.

But if you have been pouring a reservoir of love on to another, then you shine for you. Indulge in your life, your goals, your own worth, and your achievements, and dare to show how you don’t need anymore. But it is a gift for another to enjoy your company. A pure gift – not in a cocky or conceited way but in a glowing way, a way glowing with self-love, self-respect, self-validation, and sheer joy. Do you think you could ever lose with this approach?

For when someone truly loves you, they know that they too have stumbled in the past, they too were once filled with regret from making mistakes, and they too came to you and acknowledged where they went wrong. And you forgave them and walked hand in hand.

So go, walk, stumble, learn, apologize, forgive, and treasure the love you have found. Don’t let it go. Don’t grow old with regret as your companion. Risk opening your heart, risk shining from within, and the love and inner peace you find will forever soothe your soul.