Dear God, How Do I Get Over a Former Lover I Still Love? by Barbara Rose, Ph.D. Exclusive Excerpt

When the Connection Never Died

Many people have deeply loved someone long after that person was not in their lives anymore. I have been through this, and I know how difficult it can be.

I decided to write this book to help people reach understanding and resolution, both while reading this book and after, because the process I will share with you will enable you to continue to receive more resolution as situations, emotions, memories, and experiences change over time.

Many times when we read something, it helps us in the moment. Then, old memories come up, old feelings, a song, or a chance meeting with the person you still love, and you may need more guidance to help you.

There are higher reasons why we feel deep connections that time, a need for personal space, and physical distance cannot take away.

There are also important reasons we go through these experiences.

My greatest hope is that you can find the inner peace and solace that I have finally found even though the love never truly dies deep inside.

I will share much, and bring you examples of what many different people go through, because this problem does not have a one-size-fits-all solution. There is, however, a solution that every human being who feels this way can discover, and revealing that solution is the purpose of this book.

Yes, you can still love a lover who is no longer in your life, and you can get over the pain. This book is going to show you how.

If I could do it, you definitely can, and I want to assure you that no matter how deep your pain, no matter how many memories pop up to the surface, you can come to peace. I will share all I know because that knowledge has transformed all of the pain for me.

I want more than anything for you to experience this same inner transformation from longing, tears, and heartache to genuine solace and even joy. You might wonder if that is possible. Please keep reading to find the answer.

I welcome you to the most healing inner peace you can possibly have. I welcome you as a friend, because I have been there too.

By the time you finish reading this book, you will have all you need to get over a former lover even while you are still in love. Now, let’s begin the process that will open your heart, bring you understanding, and give you a life that is filled with all of the inner solace you deserve.

When the Pain Won’t Go Away

You have been deeply in love, and now that you are no longer with that person, the pain has surfaced and feels like a living hell. It burns and hurts, and you try to get over him or her with every logical tactic and approach you can think of.

Perhaps you rebound and go to another person to fill the emptiness. Perhaps you numb yourself with alcohol, drugs, sex, shopping, work, anything you can think of, just to get over him or her.

Perhaps you let rage come to the surface, thinking that anger would kill the deep love you feel. Perhaps you tried to cut this person out of your system with traditional therapy.

Or, perhaps you cry, a lot.

I do know firsthand how deeply difficult it is to love someone so much and to continue feeling that love long after he was out of my life.

For example, after I brought through the book Stop Being the String Along: A Relationship Guide to Being THE ONE, I truly felt the love and attachment I used to feel for that one special man vanish. Then about a year and a half later, out of the blue, one night all of my old loving feelings popped right back up to the surface. I was shocked. I thought I was truly over him, permanently. But I felt the same love for him that I had felt years earlier. It was then that I realized real love never dies.

I tried avoidance. I tried the classic “get over him” tactic. I forced myself to avert my attention away from him and on to my life’s purpose and joy. I tried everything! I would feel inner relief for a while, sometimes for hours, sometimes days, or even months.

Then, out of the blue, the old feelings would surface again, and I would wonder why.

I would think, “Why are my feelings as deep now as they were years ago, even when I thought I was truly over him?”

I wrote letter after letter to God asking for answers, and the process I am going to share with you actually comes “through” me from God, who you can call Holy Spirit, Higher Self, All That Is, Divine Source. Whatever name you feel most comfortable with is fine: God as you personally understand Him or Her to be.

It is crucial for you to know that all of those tactics to kill the love you feel—avoidance, logic, “getting on with your life”—all of those tactics do not work.

I will guide you through this process to find out why you feel the pain to begin with and to learn how to transform the pain, because once you go through this process, you will experience inner solace.

The Cause of the Pain

The cause of the emotional pain is our attachment on the ego level that erroneously makes us believe that the person we deeply love is the source of our inner joy and happiness. As a result, when that person is no longer in our lives, we feel and believe that our joy has been taken away and can never come back.

We go into longing. We long for the past. We wish it could be the way it was in the beginning, when it felt like heaven on earth.

We reminiscence about the past and either block it out or cry it out. It is our deep attachment to the person, our holding on for dear life, that causes the pain when he or she is no longer in our lives.

Attachment versus Freedom

The opposite of attachment is pure freedom. We feel free inside, and we want the other person to also be and feel free. We live in the moment with no calculating moves, motives, or games.

When we are attached, we try to get from the other person all those things we did not learn or were not taught how to give to ourselves.

I am sure you are wondering how you can love someone and not feel attached. This is the crux of the cure to move out of deep emotional pain into pure emotional freedom. So here is your answer.

The one you love came into your life to help you grow and evolve. That is why we attract certain people into our lives to begin with. It is all about growth. When you feel a bond that is so deep, it is a pure bond. But a bond does not mean binding and attachment; it means a deep connection.

When you feel this deep connection, this in and of itself is a gift. The relationship you experience may have been deeply transformative. You might have grown and learned more than you ever thought you had to learn.

This was what happened with me. The man who popped into my life became the greatest catalyst for so much of my inner growth and transformation. He was my greatest teacher. Through our relationship, I had to face all of my false views of self. I had to strip away ego games. I had to learn how to be real, genuine, vulnerable, and simultaneously stand in my truth. I had a lot to learn.

When someone comes into our lives and we feel a deep love—especially when there have been many challenges—the deep pain resulting from the person being out of our lives can actually transform into deep gratitude.

© Copyright 2006 Barbara Rose, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved. Excerpt from Dear God, How Do I Get Over a Former Lover I Still Love? (Published by The Rose Group, October 2006) ISBN:0974145769 Available Everywhere Books are Sold, USA and UK.